Breaking the Cycle: Healing from a Narcissistic Mother

Growing up with a narcissistic mother can be an incredibly challenging experience. Narcissistic mothers are often self-absorbed, controlling, and emotionally abusive, leaving their daughters feeling neglected, invalidated, and unloved. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, it’s important to recognize that your experiences are valid, and you’re not alone in your struggles.

Here are some tips for daughters of narcissistic mothers to help cope with the effects of their upbringing:

1. Recognize the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

It’s essential to be able to recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse so that you can take steps to protect yourself. Narcissistic mothers often manipulate their children through guilt, shame, and fear. They may use tactics such as gaslighting, emotional blackmail, and emotional neglect to control and manipulate their daughters. By understanding the signs of narcissistic abuse, you can begin to set boundaries and protect yourself from further harm.

2. Seek Therapy

Therapy can be incredibly helpful for daughters of narcissistic mothers. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to explore your experiences, emotions, and behaviors. They can also help you develop coping mechanisms and strategies to overcome the effects of your upbringing. A therapist can also help you understand that your mother’s behavior is not your fault and that you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

3. Develop Self-Compassion

Growing up with a narcissistic mother can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, self-doubt, and self-blame. It’s essential to develop self-compassion and learn to be kind to yourself. You can practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness. You can also try to identify your negative self-talk and replace it with positive affirmations.

4. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with a narcissistic mother. It’s important to set limits on what you’re willing to tolerate and communicate those boundaries clearly. You may need to limit your contact with your mother or cut ties altogether. Setting boundaries can be difficult, but it’s necessary for your mental health and well-being.

5. Build a Support Network

Having a support network can be incredibly beneficial for daughters of narcissistic mothers. You can reach out to friends, family, or a support group for validation, empathy, and understanding. You can also build a relationship with a mentor, therapist, or coach to provide guidance and support.

In conclusion, being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is a challenging experience, but it doesn’t have to define your life. By recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse, seeking therapy, developing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and building a support network, you can overcome the effects of your upbringing and lead a fulfilling life. Remember, you deserve to be treated with love, respect, and kindness.

One Main Parenting Tool

There is only one main parenting tool that must be used to develop your child’s emotional behavior. I know that sounds unreal. How could there be just one main thing to do with all the information available that prescribes different methods and theories on how to parent your child. But it is true.

Yes, each theory or book does offer good tips on how to help your child develop into a healthy successful adult with happy productive relationships. But in reality, it all boils down to one main parenting tool. The one main parenting tool I am talking about is never clear because of all the extraneous information surrounding it. When I mention all of the information available I am sure you know what I am talking about.

You can read about how and when your child is supposed to crawl, walk, talk, eat hard food and on and on. You can also read about when your child is supposed to learn their ABC’s, nursery rhymes, and who “big bird” is. There are at least a thousand sites and books that describe what you can do as a parent to help your child be bigger and better, individually, and socially.

In fact there is so much information put out about what to do and what not to do it makes my head swim as a professional that is reading and learning for my work. For over the past 20 years as a clinical counselor working with children, adult and families from all walks of life I have realized that everything being written and said gives way to only one main parenting tool.

I have also realized how amazing it is that this one main parenting tool can set you free to be at ease and clear about the decisions you make raising your child. After studying child development and personal growth in school I incorporated this one skill into my counseling practice along with my practice of parenting.

I am very proud to say that families and children I have met along with my 3 children have learned and incorporated this one main thing to develop into responsible productive emotionally healthy adults. I wanted to state that because I am striving to make the point clear that by taking heed of this one main parenting tool you will have everything you need to help your child develop emotionally successfully.

It will give you the answer to what is the most important thing you can say to your child when they came in last place and didn’t get a prize like everyone else? It will answer what consequence you should you give them after they have emptied the aromatherapy sea salt all over the floor on the night you were planning on having a long overdue soaking retreat. It is the one main parenting tool to remain patient and calm while they are having a meltdown, when the bills are due, when everyone is hungry, school projects are due, someone has a meeting or game now and your workday was the soap-opera from you know where.

Because I have seen these situations occur I know your first thought is to have your own major meltdown by screaming and hiding but that will only double even triple the things that you needed to get done yesterday. If you are a caring parent who loves their child I know you relate to all the stress and pressure of parenting and wanting to get it right when it comes to raising an emotionally healthy child.

Also, along with relating to being a caring parent I know you can relate to the part that you are at the bottom of the “take care of” list. Ask yourself how you are supported, what do you eat for lunch, when and how do you take a break to recharge? These questions along with my education have shown me that being a caring responsible parent takes more than just book learning. I realized that in order to be a good parent you too have to continue to grow in order to help your child grow.

You need to learn how to eat right, sleep, exercise, learn new exciting things, relax, respond to bullies, feel confident, reach goals and take care of yourself first. You need to look inside at what pushes your emotional buttons, what made you so mad, what made you feel insecure, what made you feel happy and why can’t you complete important goals pertaining to you.

You need to look back at your childhood rearing, consequences, rewards, parents and how you were loved. As you explore, process, and incorporate different self-improving skills your life will begin to turn extremely joyful, fulfilling, successful and less stressful. You will make better decisions, be firm or gentle as needed, you will respond to your child more effectively without you getting in the way. And because of your life getting better your child’s life and your relationship with them will get better too.

Have I rambled on long enough to get my point across? I understand raising your child is one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs you will ever employ. That your child becomes your life and that you get lost in your child’s life. That seeking and learning information is important because you want to be the best parent to your child. But most importantly is that you realize as your child grows you continue to grow too.

Consciously or unconsciously, you relive your childhood memories and impressions. You replay your childhood traditions, traumas, and disciplines. And you consciously or unconsciously pass them on to your child to continue repeating your family history. In all cases either being aware of it or not your childhood development who you were and how you became you gets replayed into your child’s life.

 So, the most important thing to know about helping your child develop resilient emotional behavior is to learn about you and support yourself to grow more resilient and emotionally healthy. You may not at first glance notice that your individual exploration and growth will give you the one main parenting tool and answers to help your child. But look closely at all the literature and you will see that the most important piece of information being expressed is empowerment to you.

Yes, all of the child development literature is expounding on the number one main parenting tool. You can try some of the suggestions made by the experts to make your child listen better, cry less or jump higher. But if you don’t approach it from the perspective of knowing where you are reacting to address how your child is feeling the action of parenting will become a struggling disappointment of trial and error.

So let me say this one main point several different ways to make myself clear. Children learn by example. Actions speak louder than words. Your child will hear what you do, and so on and so on. So, the number one main parenting tool you can use to take care of the most important person on the face of the earth is to… Are you ready? DEVELOP YOU.

6 Ways to Develop Your Child’s Moral Character

Here are 6 ways to develop your child’s moral character in today’s technical world of computers and virtual reality where our children are socially interacting with video games, myspace, facebook and twitter real action takes a back seat to virtual action.

With that being said as a parent it is important to develop your child’s moral character by creating and enforcing consequences that are real and action based. Thinking and doing create the imprint of your child’s future behavior. Impress on your child the importance of responsibility by providing them guidelines and supporting their actions to rectify their negative behavior. When your child becomes part of creating the restitution and implements the action to right the wrong it will create a life long effect and build moral character.

Here are 6 simple guidelines to remember when developing your child’s moral character:

1. If you abuse it you lose it. This includes privileges of curfew, TV, video games, etc. Make sure to announce a concrete end date to the loss of their privilege and stick to it. Never create consequences with no ending, e.g. “it’s over when I say so”, or “Your grounded until you leave my home”.
2. Be kind to the vendors. This means they must be respectful to the supplier of the goods, or the supplies are no longer available. Allow your child the opportunity to rectify their actions by making an apology if they are disrespectful. Maintaining the wrong is not right until the apology is delivered and received.
3. If they break it, they fix it, to the best of their ability.
4. If they mess it up, they clean it up, on their own.
5. If you take something you give it back, double the original value. Remember value can be monetary or personal items.
6. If they do something mean, they do something nice, directly to the person that was affected.

Helping your child develop a moral character takes patience and consistency. Deliver these moral guidelines to your child in a direct manner without anger or criticism. Support your child’s ability to choose and take corrective action. Be understanding with them that the restitution may be difficult to do, but insist they follow through. Allow your child the opportunity to create and deliver the corrective action that restores the wrong to right. It is their thought process along with their doing that develops a child’s solid positive moral character.